3am.

Packing, and feeling utterly miserable.

***

We agreed that it was over,
Now the lines have all been drawn;
The vows we made begin to fade
But now they're gone

Put your pictures in a showbox,
And my gold ring in the drawer;
coz I'm not supposed to love you anymore

"I'm Not Supposed To Love You Anymore" - Trademark

It takes a lot to touch me.

Well, not exactly... but to really come across as sincere is another thing altogether.

Had my birthday celebrated today at the Esplanade. It isn't til another month and a half at least, but amidst the initial surprise, I manage to raise a cynical eyebrow and ask, "But why?".

"Because you won't be around for us to do it then."

I died.

Thanks you guys. For the first time in my life, I can find no words to adequately express myself, nor just what it felt like at that very moment... nor what it feels like to be loved.

***

Lost
In a snow-filled sky;
We'll make it alright
To come undone now

"Come Undone" - Duran Duran

3am on an early Friday morning.

Feels weird playing Elle for once this time. Started out fun, s'just that now... its hard not feeling weird, and a little sorry for pfil. :(

Best thing is, hafta pretend to not know anything the next time. Argh. Hate it hate it HATE it. Being in a crappy mood doesn't help.

Bailing out. Just about as much as I can take.

2 days til I whiz off back to Mel. Wow hoo.

***

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed;
There beside you where I used to lay

"Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" - Don Henley & Patty Smyth

Watched Frida today... not bad a narrative actually, just really sad. Tadpole still wins by a small margin though. Maybe obscurity *is* an indication of quality nowadays.

6 days to yet another airplane ride back to the land of weird weather. Thought I'd look forward to going back (and I was!), but nearing the date I actually feel a little reluctant.
Going back means a brand new semester of slogging and making new friends and such (the kinda stuff that drives me nuts), but it also means uninhibited freedom like never before. Starting from when the uncle goes home, of course... gonna be back just in time to catch him for a couple of days. >.<

Anyhow, s'weird how I get all the freedom to do whatever I want over there, but have trouble coming home after... say, 1am here. And don't even get the folks started on staying over, I'll never hear the end of it. *shrug* I guess its probably easier to pretend certain things don't exist when outta sight.

On another note, visa thingy's driving me nuts. To do the goddam thing, or not?


***

The damage is done, so I guess I be leaving...

"Cry Me A River" - Justin [*cringe*] Timberlake

Its that time of the year again.

When flower prices rocket sky-high, and restaurants offer special "couple meals" that start from a very profitable $88. Its still supposed to be the season for goodwill and love too though (other than for the above mentioned entrepreneurs), so I guess we're supposed to overlook all that and focus on being in love instead. Well, whatever love is.

Are the selected few of us jaded, or just plain cynical?
Do we all eventually succumb to the shiny lure of a universal day dedicated just to the "wonderful experience of love and romance"?

I don't know, really.
I guess if I look deep enough within, I suppose I could (and possibly do, *shrug*) love someone other than myself. Ambiguity suits me just fine.

But for now, I grudgingly admit,
them restauranteers shall prosper tonight.

***

Its a damn cold night,
Trying to figure out this life
I don't know who you are,
But I... I'm with you.

"I'm With You" - Avril Lavigne

Just got back from dinner at a relative's. Not so distant where blood relations are concerned, but miles apart emotionally. A sad excuse for a gathering, anyhow. Mom and bro *conveniently* had something on since they already turned up for the New Year one... so mehhhh. Stuck without an excuse, I trudge off with dad to the Happy House.

Don't even know which kid cousin's birthday it is (already toldja we weren't close) til I step through the door... only to be bombarded by an assortment of fluffy exclamations that can be unanimously summarized as: "Oooohhh! You're back already ah?!". Like, duh. There I am, right in the flesh and I *still* have to spell it out. Sighhh.

Anyhow, dinner is okay... food-wise. My wonderful itinery consists of counting spots on their 6 "Lo Han" fish (ugly things, they are), then the same with the guppies (17, to be exact)... then finally resigning myself to being glued to the television while a Chinese karaoke contest goes on. And all that, just to avoid dreaded superficial conversation that really gets us all nowhere. But apparently resistance is futile because barely 10 minutes into the show, I find myself simultaneously cornered by 3 nosy (but probably good-intentioned, *shrug*) aunties.

"How is the weather over there?", one exclaims, inching as close as she can without actually touching me. "And school?", she follows without missing a beat, after I semi-patiently explain that although its summer "over there", the weather fluctuates with a mind of its own. "Wah! So good la, at least the time wasn't wasted!" upon discovering from ever-helpful dad, that I start Uni in 2 weeks.

I smile weakly and nod, feeling a little like throwing up at this point from the excessive saccharine sweetness. Dad gets the hint, I guess, when I finally resort to shaking my watch and tugging none-too-patiently on his shirt-sleeve before looking furtively towards the door.

I say my hurried goodbyes with a sudden burst of purpose and energy, then break into a run for the lift.

Thankfully, I fall asleep in the car on the way home. Its been a really long day.

***

NB: The above is a figment of the author's vivid imagination after she awakes to find herself, strangely, at home.

Disturbing evidence that we're way too bored for our own good:

Magz: "Yeo!"
Moi: "Chau!" (as in, ciao)
Cher: "Yap?"
MM: Wong person la!
PCB: "Cheem Seah!" (sia, what else?)

***

PCB totally blew me off with her rendition of "WHAT HAPPEN NEXT?".
Laughed til I cried. :p
Go Cheng! Er... *cough* "Gone Cheng!"

Spent the day slacking at home, and another tomorrow.

Bliss.

***

She felt for his hand and laced her fingers through his,
And there was something in that gesture:
In the slow lacing of fingers,
The way she lowered their clasped hands to the floor;
That told him that she knew.

"Where or When" - Anita Shreve

Funny, I think I blog a lot more when I'm home.

2am now (5am back in Mel!) and I'm wide awake, feeling *quite* happy to be home and sitting here in front of the laptop getting stuff in order again... while the scandisk of the other SPOILT com cranks in the background. My baby's spoilt! :/ *sniffle* And its ALL somebody's fault (who is sound asleep in bed now coz he's got school tomorrow, the pig). Thank GOD cable still works on this one without a modem... I go away for month and *everything* goes haywire. Mehhh.

***

Folks arrived at the airport just in time to see me struggling to lift my massive suitcase off the goddam belt. Sure looks like I'm staying here for 3 months or something, considering the amount of crap in my bag. I mean, first time I ever got a "Heavy: Assisted lift may be required. 25kg - BEND YOUR KNEES." tag on it. Uh, okay... I got the hint.

Was good to see the folks again. :> They're all back off to work/school tomorrow though. Think I'll slack at home... doncha just love the solitude? Quality time without anyone bugging ya. Not til they find out you're back, that is.

***

Had a pretty good flight... sat next to this really nice Italian guy ('cept he had a problem communicating in English), then moved to an empty 2-seater a couple of rows back. Starting to like taking flights alone. The thought of crashing just *has* to occur to me at one point or another though... especially during turbulence when your stomach does funny flip-flops and you seriously feel like throwing up.

Obnoxious M'sian/Ipoh-ian (whatever) in the centre aisle. Who the hell sits like you're gonna give birth with your goddam legs spread 90 degrees and propped on the armrests in front of you throughout the flight? (It was a MALE, btw.) Not to mention the dumb spotlight AND the controller episode...

Listened to Diana Krall's entire "One Night In Paris" cd on the Audio-on-Demand thing... wooo! She *rocks*. :> Not to mention entertaining myself with the Carpenters, Michael Bolton (hhhh!) and Kenny G... I swear the music collection on-board is getting way hipper. Caught half of "Simone", and now like PCB I'm dying to know the ending... coz surprise surprise, they had to switch it off before landing (btw "Swimfan" was *still* showing on-board girl. :p).

***

Almost 2 hours since it started, and the scan thingy's only 33% done. Looks like I'll lose everything previously in there... might have to reload the whole system. Sighhh. They sure know to get a kid where it hurts most.

Results out on Friday. Scary.

Good luck, ya'll... play hard. 2 days til reality comes flying back atcha.

***

Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing it with me, just for today;
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away...

"Sing For The Moment" - Eminem

Sunset at St. Kilda's. You guys sure are missing something here!

***

6.30am, and still wide awake. And for once it ain't coz there's an assignment due, heh. :p

Just done with packing (and slacking), 11 00 h til my 2000 (+3) pineapple tarts.

***

For with my own eyes I saw
the Sybil hanging in a cage at Cumae,
And when the boys said to her,
"Sybil, what do you want?"
She replied, "I want to die."

Epilogue, "The Waste Land"
T. S. Eliot, 1922