Desafinado.

Rich left today. Its a hard sentiment to comprehend or even define (we weren't all *that* close), but already the house seems emptier; as if a part of it has left with him, too. Had a glimpse of deja vu at the airport earlier. The whole atmosphere bore a striking resemblance to back in July last year when dad left, leaving me alone for the first time since ever. Watching E struggle to be strong reminded me so much of how, having put up such a brave and unwilling front at school earlier that morning, I found myself fighting so hard to hold back the tears en route home on the train that same day.

In objective retrospect, perhaps it wasn't really the person in question that we missed, but rather the general feeling and atmosphere that they represented. It wasn't as if I wasn't ever going to see the folks again after dad left. Or Rich, for that matter. For all I knew, I might even have been better of that way back then. I would have finally been free to do as I pleased without having someone watching. And after Rich, the house will (hopefully) be cleaner, quieter, saner. No more cigarette clouds or stench. No dog hairs sticking to my clothes. No boisterous laughter, nor verbal abuse in the wee hours of the morning. No more fighting for the internet. No more sense of security, nor spontaneous trips to K-mart in the middle of the night. No more cooking sessions. No more car trips out into the remote suburbs. No more therapeutic bitch sessions after a bad day at class... no more familiarity. No more family.

E leaves tomorrow for a suburb far away. I can understand why. Being in the same house where one's fondest memories were with someone who is no longer here has got to hurt. Sure, she's still contactable of course. But just not... here. I'd like to think, that while my life didn't exactly revolve around the two of them, we shared something other than the house.

And that something, I already miss.

***

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Til its gone.

"Got Til Its Gone" - Janet

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***

Just the other night while you were sleeping
I vaguely heard you whisper someone's name
But when I ask you of the thoughts you're keeping
You just say, nothing's changed.

"Lately" - Stevie Wonder

United States of Whatever.

Back from trip up Buller on Saturday; stuck to resolution of learning to snowboard. :> Was totally fun (and @#$% exhausting!) and definitely 1001 times better than skiing, despite tumbling ALONE all over the place. Dying to go back. Now if only I were fit (and affluent) enough to afford a week or two up there each Winter, as opposed to a measly few fours (6 hours spent travelling in total!). Of course climbing out of bed the next day was... ugh. Wasn't a single muscle that didn't ache. On another note, I need more active friends... -_-

And MM needs better shoes. *giggle*

Only the second week into school, but it feels like... forever.

***

Cause I know
The way to break your heart
The way to tell a lie
Like you do.
Oh yes I know
The way to make you cry
The way to give you doubts
Like you do.

"Chrysalis" - Anggun