Your hands are cold.
Now that the next round of essays are just around the corner, it's probably about time to resume the blogging once again -- it seems as if I can almost always be guaranteed to blog in lieu of having to work on yet another mindblowing essay. This time I have three things due by the 5th, 6th, and 7th respectively, and a meeting with the supervisor before I leave, with at least another 2k addendum as of last fortnight. I'm obviously no where near completion, so I might as well get some enjoyment out of it while I still can.
I actually intended on doing a "50 things you wouldn't know about me from reading this" post when the fourth anniversary of Prufrock swung round this year, because I've never really had a commemorative post of any sort these past few years (and I read a really kickass one somewhere), and really, 4 years is pretty astonishing for me to stick with anything all told. Having read the recent "24 things" meme that's going round, however, I figure I might as well get it out there, and if this doesn't make it beyond a draft (as with a lot of the more introspective posts) I might just rehash it come the time.
I'm not sure how much I'm really willing to reveal, since you never quite know who might be reading this, and while this is theoretically supposed to be a platform upon which you can put your thoughts out there, you can't quite be entirely yourself for that same reason, because there are just some things you can't tell people -- people that have any idea who you are, that is. Perhaps what this will result in will be a watered-down, sanitized version of what (and who) the person behind this blog perceives herself to be, and the experiences that constitute her, ones that while offering a smidgen of insight still manage to retain some form of "anonymity", so to speak. So yes, it's going to be pretty vague and open to intepretation in terms of names and specifics, most of it intentionally so, but there you have it. It's a compromise, as is just about everything here on this blog.
Anyhow. Without further ado,
Twenty-four
1. I travelled halfway across the world to be with someone, and then decided in less than half a day that I wanted out, only to realise at the end of the day that I was already invested -- hopelessly, irredeemably so.
2. I chalked up over a hundred dollars in phone calls to someone with whom I was romantically involved once, from a hotel phone while overseas with my folks, at a time when I was too stupid not to know better. And got into huge trouble for it, obviously...
3. Hiding in the toilet with the dad's spare handphone so I could text someone, when mobiles were yet to be a commodity, was probably not the smartest thing to do. I was discovered before I could even get a single sentence through, and quite thoroughly disciplined for it.
4. I think I love you more than I ever thought possible, but still wish from time to time that I'd never known you. It shames me, this fear of loving, and not loving you.
5. Apples make me cringe, big time. I'm not sure why; it's like that thin, scraping sound of teeth sinking into crisp, crunchy Granny Smiths goes straight to my insides. >_<
6. I dislike most of your friends, and I'm neither ashamed of it, nor of admitting it.
7. I lent an ex a shoulder a shoulder to cry on, two days after N left me for someone else and was having relationship issues.
8. I have had exactly one (and a half) "official" relationship(s) to date, and approximately seven "things", two of them which are to-date ongoing and completely ambiguous and undefined, and could possibly last well after I've gotten married and have kids (one never knows).
9. I don't say it very often, but when I do, I mean it.
10. My recently adopted mantra "say behind someone's back only what you are able to repeat in front of them" seems to have served me well. While there are still some tiny kinks with that theory that I'm still trying to work out, I sleep well at night, and I enjoy the freedom it affords me.
11. Deep down inside I might need you more than you need me, and I detest myself for it.
12. I've had a cigarette exactly twice, and got so disgustingly sick the second time that I swore it would be the last I'd ever even consider it, social or not.
13. I jumped at the chance to hang out, have dinner with, and talk to you again. We had a lovely night out on your balcony, just like -- even better than -- old times, and we agreed to do it again. I never made good on that promise. I still don't know why.
14. I'm more and more convinced that I'd probably break the law if it meant that I could have what I really want.
15. The base of my palm, that fleshy bit below the thumb, tingles when I'm... er, excited.
16. Sometimes I think I would be quite ready to leave this world with no regrets, save that I couldn't bear for my family to suffer as a result.
17. I've yet to truly be in love.
18. I stunned two tubes of polo mints from a shop with a friend once when I was really really young. My parents and the school were notified, and although it happened almost a decade and a half ago, I still feel apprehensive stepping into (or even going past) that place.
19. I have intimacy issues. I can't sleep with another's arms around me, or anyone touching me, for that matter, and any sort of intimacy is difficult unless my guard is down.
20. I plagiarize on the rare occasion. Not that I intentionally want to, sometimes it's just such a hassle to work out the reference, and easier to just wing it, yanno?
21. I'm quite convinced that I have at least a mild OCD. Only where some things are concerned, though. My entire room can be a bit of a mess come essay period and that's fine, but I go absolutely loco when there's garlic skin or whatever on the kitchen table where it isn't supposed to be (as people can well testify to!).
22. I once had a crush on a best friend. It was never revealed or requited (that I know of, at least), of course, but I try and steer clear of such doomed-from-the-get-go situations these days. It usually isn't worth it.
23. Your sentimental words both mortify and devastate me.
24. I'm really more self-conscious than I usually let on. It's all about the exterior, though, and what people don't see, can't hurt. Most of the time.
***
It's hard to understand
But the touch of your hand can start me crying
"Crying" - KD Lang
Now that the next round of essays are just around the corner, it's probably about time to resume the blogging once again -- it seems as if I can almost always be guaranteed to blog in lieu of having to work on yet another mindblowing essay. This time I have three things due by the 5th, 6th, and 7th respectively, and a meeting with the supervisor before I leave, with at least another 2k addendum as of last fortnight. I'm obviously no where near completion, so I might as well get some enjoyment out of it while I still can.
I actually intended on doing a "50 things you wouldn't know about me from reading this" post when the fourth anniversary of Prufrock swung round this year, because I've never really had a commemorative post of any sort these past few years (and I read a really kickass one somewhere), and really, 4 years is pretty astonishing for me to stick with anything all told. Having read the recent "24 things" meme that's going round, however, I figure I might as well get it out there, and if this doesn't make it beyond a draft (as with a lot of the more introspective posts) I might just rehash it come the time.
I'm not sure how much I'm really willing to reveal, since you never quite know who might be reading this, and while this is theoretically supposed to be a platform upon which you can put your thoughts out there, you can't quite be entirely yourself for that same reason, because there are just some things you can't tell people -- people that have any idea who you are, that is. Perhaps what this will result in will be a watered-down, sanitized version of what (and who) the person behind this blog perceives herself to be, and the experiences that constitute her, ones that while offering a smidgen of insight still manage to retain some form of "anonymity", so to speak. So yes, it's going to be pretty vague and open to intepretation in terms of names and specifics, most of it intentionally so, but there you have it. It's a compromise, as is just about everything here on this blog.
Anyhow. Without further ado,
Twenty-four
1. I travelled halfway across the world to be with someone, and then decided in less than half a day that I wanted out, only to realise at the end of the day that I was already invested -- hopelessly, irredeemably so.
2. I chalked up over a hundred dollars in phone calls to someone with whom I was romantically involved once, from a hotel phone while overseas with my folks, at a time when I was too stupid not to know better. And got into huge trouble for it, obviously...
3. Hiding in the toilet with the dad's spare handphone so I could text someone, when mobiles were yet to be a commodity, was probably not the smartest thing to do. I was discovered before I could even get a single sentence through, and quite thoroughly disciplined for it.
4. I think I love you more than I ever thought possible, but still wish from time to time that I'd never known you. It shames me, this fear of loving, and not loving you.
5. Apples make me cringe, big time. I'm not sure why; it's like that thin, scraping sound of teeth sinking into crisp, crunchy Granny Smiths goes straight to my insides. >_<
6. I dislike most of your friends, and I'm neither ashamed of it, nor of admitting it.
7. I lent an ex a shoulder a shoulder to cry on, two days after N left me for someone else and was having relationship issues.
8. I have had exactly one (and a half) "official" relationship(s) to date, and approximately seven "things", two of them which are to-date ongoing and completely ambiguous and undefined, and could possibly last well after I've gotten married and have kids (one never knows).
9. I don't say it very often, but when I do, I mean it.
10. My recently adopted mantra "say behind someone's back only what you are able to repeat in front of them" seems to have served me well. While there are still some tiny kinks with that theory that I'm still trying to work out, I sleep well at night, and I enjoy the freedom it affords me.
11. Deep down inside I might need you more than you need me, and I detest myself for it.
12. I've had a cigarette exactly twice, and got so disgustingly sick the second time that I swore it would be the last I'd ever even consider it, social or not.
13. I jumped at the chance to hang out, have dinner with, and talk to you again. We had a lovely night out on your balcony, just like -- even better than -- old times, and we agreed to do it again. I never made good on that promise. I still don't know why.
14. I'm more and more convinced that I'd probably break the law if it meant that I could have what I really want.
15. The base of my palm, that fleshy bit below the thumb, tingles when I'm... er, excited.
16. Sometimes I think I would be quite ready to leave this world with no regrets, save that I couldn't bear for my family to suffer as a result.
17. I've yet to truly be in love.
18. I stunned two tubes of polo mints from a shop with a friend once when I was really really young. My parents and the school were notified, and although it happened almost a decade and a half ago, I still feel apprehensive stepping into (or even going past) that place.
19. I have intimacy issues. I can't sleep with another's arms around me, or anyone touching me, for that matter, and any sort of intimacy is difficult unless my guard is down.
20. I plagiarize on the rare occasion. Not that I intentionally want to, sometimes it's just such a hassle to work out the reference, and easier to just wing it, yanno?
21. I'm quite convinced that I have at least a mild OCD. Only where some things are concerned, though. My entire room can be a bit of a mess come essay period and that's fine, but I go absolutely loco when there's garlic skin or whatever on the kitchen table where it isn't supposed to be (as people can well testify to!).
22. I once had a crush on a best friend. It was never revealed or requited (that I know of, at least), of course, but I try and steer clear of such doomed-from-the-get-go situations these days. It usually isn't worth it.
23. Your sentimental words both mortify and devastate me.
24. I'm really more self-conscious than I usually let on. It's all about the exterior, though, and what people don't see, can't hurt. Most of the time.
***
It's hard to understand
But the touch of your hand can start me crying
"Crying" - KD Lang
thus spoke Noelle at 5/29/2006 12:51:00 AM
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