Song of the black swan.

Received a confirmation email re: the internship today, glad that's been settled. Apparently there's also going to be another girl from the course with me at LINC, so on one level that's a comfort, but also a basis for comparison (and competition?) which'll inevitably be present (omg it's starting already, the politics!).

China neighbours are having a friggin' chaotic party in the next apartment building (which is the unit perpendicular to mine), and it's bloody noisy! Imagine a typical cheena screech x 30-odd people and not only non-stop, but all at the same time. And the kids... don't get me started on the kids...

***

I've come to the (sudden) conclusion that I actively push people away when they start getting too close to me, in ways that I feel may be causing me to losing my sense of control or identity. More the former, since I always like to claim I know what I want and what is good for me, but people that I know full well and deep in my heart are innately good things to have happened to me, and that I ought to feel utterly blessed to be so loved and cared for. Then I start thinking about how this isn't what I really want, isn't what I can offer them, isn't what they want from me and that nobody should have to settle; and the barriers come rushing up and everything comes crashing down, because I don't - can't - see all the good things in the face of all the insecurity and stubborn adamance that I don't want it, don't need it, don't cut it.

As far as my mind sees it I either have to actively go all out and embrace and acknowledge these people and devote my entire purpose and life to them, or I have to cut them off "in the bud" (but it never is the case, is it?); brutally and without looking back, and with the littlest room for regret. It may even be a desire to drive them away, so there isn't a need to feel like I have love I do not deserve and cannot return. I mean, I've seen some die-hard commitment-phobes in my time, and certainly doled out my fair share of ridicule and disdain towards these annoying fucks, but never in a thousand years did I think I would be one of the very people I declared needed to get a grip on reality and either move the hell on into a monastary, or do what every other normal person does and deal with or embrace love and feelings.

I thought self-defense mechanisms were supposed to prevent you from getting hurt, but in my case they really only seem to quadruple the angst and confusion. I tell myself (and just about everyone else who will listen ;p) that I'm not looking for and don't need anything more than platonic love, but the truth might well be something I will not acknowledge until it is unceremoniously thrown in my face (um, thank you, I suppose): Are you afraid? To be happy? To care about any one? Afraid that you'll lose it and be even less happy than before?

The truth is, I say it doesn't matter, and that there is no way I will ever feel that way, but I live in fear of the day. When whoever (all of those whoevers) it is actually does get over me and moves on... and me, realising I was wrong all along.

...

In other news, my grandfather has been diagnosed with diabetes, and candy-whore me is starting to feel a little jittery...

***

Would you please get out
From under my skin
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue

And deep inside,
I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go, go, go

Crazy as it all plays out
I think I�m lonelier than I�ve ever been before
�Cause I was so close
To going through that door
But I don�t want to be to blame for them
I don�t want to be to blame

"Under My Skin" - Rachael Yamagata